


In the Pursuit of an Alliance

by lord_of_cats



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Albino Dave, Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Culture, Aliens, F/F, For Science!, John is a troll, M/M, Scientist!John, Threshecutioner Karkat, and a scientist, and alliances, troll!John
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-26 05:36:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7562407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lord_of_cats/pseuds/lord_of_cats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Johnen Egbert is about to embark on an journey of scientific discovery with his moirail Karkat Vantas. He will attempt to learn more about the humans of earth by disguising himself as one of them. Once enough information is secured, the Alternian Empires Empress, Feferi Peixes will attempt to make contact-and form an alliance.<br/>Along the way, there are crushes, hints of alien invasions, cultural misunderstandings and awkward inter-species romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alien Endeavours

**Author's Note:**

> So, clarifications before you read.  
> 1\. Johns horns are curly, crazy things. The left one shoots up, curls around horizontally a bit like Aradias and points upward. The right one waves about like crazy-going up, down and up again.  
> 2\. Everyone has a history (kinda) that I might write up on, but no promises.  
> 3\. This will probably very long with no ending bc it ends up being the beta kids + karkat travelling space together.  
> 4\. I'm trying my best to do differences in culture between humans and trolls, so bare with me please.  
> 5\. Enjoy :)

Your name is Johnen Egbert and you and your moirail, Karkat Vantas, are on the adventure of a lifetime.

Well, Karkat says it’s not an adventure, but you say he’s a stupid buttface. He complained about how immature you are being for one of your blood for _ages,_ until you shut him up with a shoosh-pap.

 

The two of you are going to investigate Earth, a planet your Empress is planning to form an alliance with. You don’t know much about the dominant species on this planet—except they’re covered in soft flesh.

…You do not know much about these humans.

But, in case there are any cultural misunderstandings, she has sent her most trusted scientist (and his moirail) off to investigate and learn about this planet.

That’s you by the way.

 

You’re to disguise yourself as a human and live amongst them for a few sweeps. It’s going to be long, and hard. Luckily, Great Empress Feferi insisted that your moirail go along for the ride. (Not that she, her highblood court and all her drones could stop him going with you).

 

“Ugh, listen to me you intolerable piece of shit.” Karkat grumbles at you, annoyance shining in his yellow eyes.

“Sorry Karkat! I’m just so excited.”

“Of course you are you over-excitable fuck.”

“Hee hee you’re so pale for me.”

“I am and I hate it.” He glares at you, red-rimmed pupils blazing with the fiery fury of a thousand suns.

“I like you too bro.”

He groans loudly, but the small smile he gives betrays his happiness. “You know what to do right? This thing-“ He holds up the small amulet you’re supposed to wear. “-goes around your neck, so you look like a fleshy asshole. Then, you go and stick your nose into other people’s business and tell our Great Empress their private business.”

“I’m not doing that! I’m learning more about their culture so that our Empress can establish trade routes and form an alliance without any cultural misunderstandings! I guess it’s kind of dumb seeing as _they_ don’t actually learn about troll culture…but interplanetary negotiations are hard.”

“How would you know?”

“I am going on an interplanetary scientific journey of discovery.”

“Your first one. And Feferi only sent you because you’re the only scientist in her court. And she only sent me because I’m your fucking moirail and the only one who can calm you down when you get all high-blood ragey.”

 

“And because you’re her best threshecutioner.” You look down at the blue veins ghosting underneath your hard grey skin. You wonder what you’d look like as a human.

You don’t have to wonder for long, because Karkat is shoving the amulet in your hands.

“Remember that I’ll be watching over your sorry ass, so don’t be your dumb self and reveal that you’re really an alien.”

You chuckle and slip the amulet on. You only feel a slight tingle, but Karkat rears back from you, a look of disgust on his face.

“Ugh you look terrible.”

“Thanks Karkat.” You reply, taking the mirror he hands you.

 

The first thing you notice is your horns. Or…lack of horns. You reach up a trembling tanned hand to where to your curly, orange horns _should_ be. But your hands brush against their rough texture and you sigh in relief. They’re there, but just invisible.

The next thing is your eyes—instead of being their familiar orange and grey, they’re a white and bright-blue, like the colour of your blood.

Your skin is a dark tan, and you are well muscled (as well as slightly pudgy. You _are_ a highblood, and a well-fed one at that). A light scattering of freckles cover your cheeks and ears and nose—much like the blue ones that scatter your cheeks in your real form.

Instead of the wonky mess of fangs protruding from between dark lips, rather large front teeth shoot out from rather plump pink lips.

The most similar feature of both forms is your extremely messy, thick black hair, as well as the gathering of pudge around your stomach, arms and legs.

 

“Man. This is weird.” You say, staring down at your hand in awe.

“Yes. It is. And you’re going to be like this for several sweeps. God fucking damn it.”

“Well, at least you get to sleep in the spaceship some nights.” Karkat mutters, and you cast your gaze around the spaceship for what feels like the last time.

The spaceship is small and cramped, but in a homely and calming manner. Both you and Karkat have decorated it how you’ve seen fit—movie posters plastered on the walls, beginners coding gear haphazardly on the floor, miscellaneous pile of science stuff and various books of both the romantic and comedic kind.

It’s one of the new models that the new Empress put out—much better than the ‘Condesces’ old war fleet. This one is a small, peaceful science vessel, with no weapons. It is sleek and brand new, and all yours and Karkats.

 

“Well um…I’d better get going.” You mumble, not really wanting to leave your moirails side.

“Oh…yeah. I’ll ready the teleporter.” He mutters and turn to go, but you hold him back. He doesn’t protest as you pull him into a bone-crushing hug.

“I’ll miss you, for the brief time that you’re gone.” He grumbles back, clinging to you tightly.

You have to be beamed down to Earth, but neither of you want to break the hug you’re currently in.

Eventually however, you let go, kissing him on his forehead as you do.

He slinks off to the ships control panel, giving you nervous glances as you do. You give him one last smile before he pulls a lever, teleporting you away, off to earth.

 

* * *

 

The first thing you notice about earth is how damned _bright_ everything is.

Trolls are nocturnal, but humans are not.

It must be something to do with how earth’s sun isn’t at the stage of the red giant yet, like the Alternian sun is.

How fascinating! You’re learning stuff about this planet already.

 

Once you get used to the blaring sun (which is actually somewhat tolerable compare to the Alternian sun), you decide to investigate closer. You make your way past the planets natives and strange wheeled metal contraptions.

You really should write about those, but the sun is so fascinating…

You don’t notice people staring at you, wide-eyed, screams on their lips. You don’t notice the strange wheeled metal contraption hurtling towards you. You don’t notice the blonde man jump towards you—until his body hits yours and the both of you go crashing into the tarmac.

“Get off the road you fucking maniac!” The wheeled metal box screams as it roars past.

 

“What the fuck were you thinking you fucking idiot? You could’ve been killed! Squashed like a bug under a fucking tyre. Dead. And that is not a good way to go. Trust me. Not that I’ve died or anything, but you know. You nearly died because you decided to stare up at the sun and stand in front of a fucking car! Nearly gave me a heart-attack, of course, nearly _is_ the key word here. Striders don’t _have_ heart-attacks.” The voice of the blonde man on top of you brings you back to the present.

“What? Why’d they try to kill me?” You ask looking around after the ‘car’.

“ _They_ didn’t try to kill _you. You_ walked in front of them. What did you expect? Sunshine and rainbows?”

 

The man on top of you is rather handsome…for a human.

Floppy looking white-blonde hair, near white skin and dark, ovaloid shades over his eyes. Red-sleeved shirt and dark pants covered his body, the same material as the human clothes you’re wearing.

 

“Hey! Are you even listening to me? Wait a minute…are you high?” Hot-blonde guy is talking to you.

“No, I’m quite low down actually. You’re squashing me.”

“Oh…sorry.” Hot blonde guy gets off you, but crouches beside you. “Seriously though. Are you alright?” He asks you.

“Yeah! I was probably going to be flattened, but you saved my life! I owe you a debt.”

“Oh no…” The guy says, getting up. “No thanks.”

You spring up after him, following him as he backs away. “But that’s how things work here, right? You saved my life, now I have to save yours.”

“No. This isn’t happening. Please tell me you’re just fucking with me.” He groans in exasperation.

“Nope! This isn’t a joke! My names Johnen Egbert—what’s yours?” You trot beside his quickly retreating figure, barely keeping up.

“Dave Strider. And please stop following me.”

“Nope! Not until I’ve paid you back.”

“Oh great. Just what I need right now.”

“Hee hee yep!”

“Uggh, that was sarcasm.”

“What’s sarcasm?”

Dave sighs loudly in annoyance.

Today is going to be a great and educational day.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Dave, what have you got there?” You plonk next to Dave, staring excitedly at the various papers scattered around him.

Over the past week or so, you’ve been following Dave around. Joining him for his morning café breakfast is just the start of your daily routine. Of course you’ve learnt lots of stuff about human culture as well, just by following Dave around.

Even though Dave complains a lot, you can tell he’s starting to enjoy your company. And you’re starting to enjoy his company…a little too much for someone on scientific mission with _no attachments._

You think…you’ve developed a flush-crush on him.

 

He’s all stoic and cold towards outsiders, but warm and loyal towards those he deems friends. It didn’t take long for you to break down the walls he surrounds himself with.

You’ve become part of his very small group of friends (none of whom you have met yet), much to Karkat’s angry jealousy.

 

Dave shoves the papers away, but not before you see large red letters saying ‘rent overdue’ and ‘eviction notice’.

“Nothing.” He says, a little too quickly.

“Really? Because that looks like a bad thing.”

“A bad thing! Of course it’s a bad thing!” He cries out, slamming his fists on the table, causing other café patrons to look up in alarm.

Your troll instincts take this as a sign of aggression, but you stuff them down. You don’t really want to judo flip Dave across the café.

“Is it like money troubles? Is it that bad thing?”

Dave just glares at you, sinking his head down into his arms. A waitress comes and takes your order, which you insist on paying for, as always.

“Dave, are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. I think there is water leaking from your eyes.”

He shoots up, scowling and wiping his eyes underneath his shades. “I’m not crying.”

“Is that what the water leakage is?”

“Heh…” He mutters, cracking a small smile. “Yeah. Not that I was crying.”

“Oh no! Of course not.” You smile back at him, happy to learn more about this strange planet and its inhabitants.

 

Dave broods about for a bit until the waitress arrives with your food and drink.

You don’t really like the sludge they serve you here, but it is human food, and you are being courteous and polite to their culture. You normally get a ‘black coffee’ with no sugar (after an outburst of ‘this is a stoner restaurant!?’ you realised that humans are not affected by sugary confections like trolls are). Dave normally gets the sweetest, milkiest thing they have on the menu alongside a thick wedge of chocolate cake. You always treat him—despite his insistence you shouldn’t.

You take a sip of the bitter liquid, eyes never leaving Dave’s slumped form.

 

“It’ll be alright Dave. I’m sure eviction isn’t that bad.” You nod to reassure yourself that it _will_ be fine.

His head pops up, and you can feel his heated glare even through his shades.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Ummm….yes? Although, eviction is not exactly a ‘thing’ where I come from.”

“Well you’re pretty damned lucky. Eviction is bullshit.”

“So it’s bullshit. Thanks for that helpful information.” You say, employing some of that human sarcasm.

“And it’s also nothing you need to worry about.” He mutters, taking a remorseful bite of the chocolate cake in front of him.

“But I will worry about it.”

“Don’t.”

“David, please.”

“Ok fine. I’m broke. I can’t pay my rent, or buy any food. If I’m honest, this is the only food I’m eating all day. I’m unemployed, and I can’t afford to live in my shitty ass flat and they’ll kick me out if I can’t pay up. All my shit will go out on the street and I’ll be homeless.”

“What...? But that’s not right.” You feel your eyes scrunch up in pity.

“Tell me about it.”

“Where I come from, neighbours help each other out all the time. Food, money, pailing, disposing of bodies—you name it.”

“Must be nice.” Dave chuckles, smiling a bit at your last comment—about the disposing of bodies.

 

Actually, in the Alternian Empire, unemployed people are seen as lazy slobs and are put to death in a public execution. The idea of ‘help thy neighbour’ is a purely human thing—trolls are generally hate-filled and violent creature. But Dave doesn’t need to know that.

Dave doesn’t exactly know you’re what he would call an ‘illegal ass hoe alien with fucking horns and shit. Invading our country. Stealing our jobs. Taking our women.’ Dave doesn’t know you’re not a human, and if you have it your way, he never will.

He thinks you’re foreign, even demonising your name to ‘John’ instead of ‘Johnen’. Something Middle Eastern you think? You’ve gone along with it.

Whatever makes him happy.

 

“Anyway, I should go.” Dave gets up, pushing the wooden chair back with a loud protesting shriek.

“What? But you’ve hardly touched your drink or cake! If they’re the only thing you’re going to eat today, you’d better eat it.”

With a big sigh and show, he flops back down on his seat and begins to pick at his cake and coffee. He smears the chocolate icing on the plate with his fork before licking it off with his pink, fleshy tongue.

(That’s another thing you’ve learnt about humans, they’ve all got impossibly mutant red blood, which covers their insides with in a strange pinkish colour. It is much different from the pitch black insides of trolls.

You’ve also found out that while you look human, your blood is still troll. The dark blue hue that runs through your veins has not changed to red. You’ll have to be very careful.)

 

“Hee hee you’re so childish.” You giggle, taking another sip of your coffee.

He responds by shoving the entire cake wedge in his mouth.

“Real mature.”

“Nuuu ‘m nmut! I haffffe coffffeemph.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?”

He finishes chewing and swallows it all in one gulp. “No I’m not! I have coffee.”

“Does coffee make one intelligent? I had no idea!” You take a sip to emphasize this point.

“Ha ha, very funny John.” Dave says, taking a gulp of his coffee.

“I am very funny, just a regular old human comedian telling funny jokes. Yep, totally joking.” You stuttered, shooting glances around the café.

He shakes his head, coffee cup and cake plate empty in front of him. “You’re weird.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” He smirks, getting up from the table. As if trying to be cool or aloof, he smacks a napkin down on the table. “It’s what makes you so interesting.” With that, he walks off, strutting away.

 

You blush blue, struggling to hide the tint in your hands. Picking up the napkin, you realise it has several crude drawings on it. Little human genitalia and human faces with weird mouths. You giggle to yourself and stuff the napkin into your pocket.

To analyse its properties of course.

Not because you like his drawings and think he’s cute or anything.

You sigh dreamily and stare after him, leaning your elbow on the table. Unfortunately, you miss the table by a long shot and nearly go crashing to the floor.

An old couple stare at you accusingly, but you just smile at them.

 

You’re totally fucked.

 

* * *

 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Karkats voice penetrates through your earlobes.

“Nothing.”

“Right. ‘Nothing’” He narrows his eyes at you. “You’re milling about your hoard of gold with a stupid look on your dumb grey face, a handful in your pockets while the Strider human is in debt.”

“No I’m not.”

“Johnen, I’m not Terezi. I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU WITH IT GLINTING IN YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE CLAWS.”

Karkat is right, you are taking some of your precious gold hoard to buy Dave’s apartment block so he doesn’t get evicted. But it’s because you’re repaying Dave back for saving your life.

You avoid Karkats annoyed glare and attempt to shuffle around him. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work.

He grabs your wrist, forcing you to look him in the eyes.

“Johnen, I know what you’re trying to do.”

“Then let me do it.”

“No! He’s a fucking free-loader! You can’t just pay for his troubles to go away, he’ll just expect more money from you. Besides, where did you get all this money from? You’re supposed to be a virtually broke human right? How the fuck did you come across a hoard of gold? It’s come apparent that it human culture you don’t just murder people for their money.”

You flinch back. “That was when I was younger! I was full of teen angst and blue-blood entitlement. I’m different now.”

“John, you murdered like, twenty people.”

“Mmmmmmmm we’re getting off topic here.” You want to get off this topic as soon as possible. You hate to be reminded of your bloody past, and Karkat knows it.

He winches a little at the low blow he knows he’s committed, but you wave off the apologies before he even opens his mouth. You know he doesn’t mean it.

 

“The point is, I’ll do it anonymously so you don’t have to worry. Dave will never expect a thing!”

“Hmmmm. That still sounds risky and stupid. Someone could still look into it—and find out you don’t exist! Because to them—you don’t. You just appeared out of nowhere! People will look into it and then we’ll be found out a lot earlier than intended. We’ll be going into an alliance blind!”

“Just trust me Karkat! When have I ever let you down?”

“Oh I don’t know, how about the time you—mpfh!” You cover his mouth with your hand.

“Sssshhhhhhh. I’ll just find the greediest fat cat and then bribe him with all this gold. I know that’s how human society works, the richest want to be richer and so do the poorest. Everything in their society revolves around money, it’s a proven fact.”

Karkat just glares at you—but you hold just as firm. Blue ringed eyes meet red ringed ones. You pull your cutest puppy-dog eyes that you _know_ Karkat can’t resist.

You were right, Karkat can’t resist them.

 

“Ugh fine! Just do it! Like I care if everything fucks up!” Karkat shouts, throwing his hands up in the air.

“It _won’t_ fuck everything up Karkat! Please, just trust me.”

He rolls his eyes. “Of course I trust you, you dumbass. But I don’t trust _him._ ”

 

He walks off, leaving you to ponder on what he meant.

 

* * *

 

Everything Karkat said would go wrong didn’t go wrong.

No one suspected a thing, and you were right about the whole ‘humans only care about money’ thing. As soon as Dave’s landlord saw the small handful of gold in your hands, he sold you the apartment block right away.

You guess you’re Dave’s landlord now.

 

You chuckle to yourself and absent-mindedly kick an empty soda can across the street. It clatters against the hard pavement, causing you to pause and watch it go by.

Fascinating! Once again, gravity shows you how different it is on this planet.

You pull out your notebook, ready to record already there information.

 

“Dude, are you taking notes on the road? Man, I thought I was a careful driver, but you’re willing to go that much further. I admire you wholly for that. Truly Egbert, you are my hero.” Dave’s voice stands out from behind you.

Smiling, you put away your notepad before he can see any of the writing and turn to look at him.

“Oh hi Dave! What are you doing here?”

“Oh um…you’ll never believe what happened!”

You grin devilishly. “I don’t know if I will believe it—what happened?”

“Some asshole came in and bought my whole apartment block! We don’t even know who they are—some foreign dude with the biggest wallet in the universe bought the whole thing! _And_ they’re not even charging rent!” Dave waves his arms in the air and spins on his foot as he begins to walk down the street. You hurry after him.

“ _Should_ they be charging rent?”

“Yes! Kind of? Not that I’m complaining. Maybe now I can finally buy some food?”

“Oh! Will you still be alright? I mean, food is pretty important here.” You shoot him a concerned glance as you continue to walk down the street.

“I’ll be fine. I seem to have some kind of guardian angel looking out for me.”

“Hee hee hee” You giggle stupidly, fixing your gaze onto your feet.

“John, stop playing dumb, I know you did it.”

“What? No I didn’t.”

“John I read the fucking deed. It’s under your name.”

“Oh.”

“I’m not even going to ask how you got that much money.”

“It’s a long story anyway. Boring too. Lots of taxes and accounting and stuff.”

 

Actually it involved pirate ships, an ex-matesprit, an immense amount of stolen treasure, making out on piles of said stolen treasure, murder and cold feet about said murder. A truly epic tale, but one that would give you away.

You don’t think humans actively go on treasure hunts across the globe, robbing and pillaging when they’re only 5 sweeps old (which is 10 years in human).

 

“Sounds fun.”

“It was.”

The two of you continue to walk down the street in a comfortable silence, only sound the occasional passing car and your feet against the pavement. At sunset, there are hardly any people about, making the scenery around you absolutely gorgeous. Trolls are never ones to admit they find something beautiful—but you would proudly say that this sunset (and Dave) is truly beautiful.

Loud shouts and yells break you from the trance you’ve entered staring at the sinking sun.

 

A human, all dressed in black, has taken it upon themselves to attack Dave. The person has grabbed Dave’s bag and is refusing to let go. Dave is struggling, but you can tell the other human has the other hand.

You don’t know what this guy’s problem is, or where he came from. But you do know this guy is gonna get what’s coming to him.

 

You draw your fist back and punch the guy in the face as hard as you can. Considering the fact that you’re a highblood, this is pretty hard. You’re surprised at the fact you heard no ‘snap’ of bones breaking.

The guy yells in surprise and staggers backwards, obviously taken aback by the sheer force you punched him with. You step forward a little, shielding Dave with your body. If only you had your War Hammer here…but this is a peaceful mission, so no weapons allowed.

The guy runs forward to attack, but a swift kick to the knees knocks him down to the ground. This time, Dave walks up to the guy and stomps down on his crotch area. The guy howls in pain and grabs his crotch, struggling up to retreat to safety.

 

“Yeah that’s right. You better run you sleazebag!” Dave shouts after the retreating figure.

“What was that about? Does this happen often here?” You say, adrenaline still running through your veins.

“Um yeah. Sometimes. I don’t live in the best neighbourhood dude.” Dave looks a little ashamed to admit this fact.

“Perhaps our two civilisations aren’t so different after all…” You muse, taking a better look at the street you’ve only now realised houses Dave’s apartment.

 

You have no idea what a ‘bad human neighbourhood’ looks like, but it looks somewhat like the neighbourhood Karkat lived in back on Alternia.

You wonder why Dave lives here?

 

“So um…I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come back to my place?” Dave asks, shuffling his feet awkwardly and scratching the back of his neck.

He’s…inviting you back to his place? This is a golden opportunity! You can learn so much about him, and human culture, and Dave himself.

“Yes! That sounds great!” You grin at him, trying (and failing) to notice how his whole face lights up.

You both continue to hide beaming smiles and blushing cheeks behind hands and banter as Dave leads you into his apartment.


	2. Rose and Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets Rose and Jade; Dave's cousin and her girlfriend. Plus an interplanetary villain is hinted at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finally finished Kalosian Dreams! Which is actually pretty good by my own standards and you should probably check it out!  
> It also means I can update this more often (it will be continuous, with no real ending.) Also, I'm planning on finishing my Inkstuck AU so have fun with that!

It’s been about a month since Dave first invited over to his place, and the two of you are bigger best bros than ever. He’s really begun to open up to you, much to your happiness.

Ever since then, you’ve been going around to Dave’s apartment every day. You’ve been taking care of him, because he is your main source of information about this planet and its inhabitants. You’ve helped him find a job and you cook for him every night.

At first, he was hesitant to let you cook for him, but then he tasted your food. Needless to say, you pretty much cook for him full-time now.

 

That’s what you’re doing right now actually. Not cooking for Dave, but buying groceries for him.

Karkat says it’s demeaning for one of your class to act in such servitude to one like Dave. For some reason, Karkat is incredibly untrusting of Dave, and whenever you bring up your ‘cool boyfriend/best friend’, Dave gets really quiet.

You’ve learnt that humans are monogamous, unlike trolls. Humans just have the red quadrant, so you said Karkat was your boyfriend to avoid confusion.

 

“Hmmm, baking supplies! Maybe I could make a cake for Dave to thank him for everything?” You murmur to yourself, staring down the baking aisle. You move forward, running a hand along the items as you walk past, looking over the different human brands and foods.

Your fingers brush against a familiar red packaging ad you pause, wrenching the box from its confines in the shelf.

What’s this doing here? This is bad, bad, bad! She was banished when…never mind. That’s not important right now. You need to do something about this.

Hurriedly, you grab the box from the shelf and shove it in your bag. This needs to be analysed, immediately.

 

* * *

 

You wrench Dave’s apartment door open, brandishing a packet of Betty Crocker’s Deluxe Chocolate Whirl Cake. You ran straight here from the shops, so you’re a little out of breath.

“What the fuck is this?” You screech, staring at the…two…women sitting and staring at you from Dave’s couch.

 

The first is a tall, thin, tanned woman who is casually braiding her partners thick black tresses. The taller womans hair is short and bobbed, kept back with a black plastic headband. Her lips have been painted a dark plum colour and her lavender coloured eyes are high-lighted with dark human eye paint.

The second is shorter and very-well muscled, with dark skin and a thick mass of black hair. Green rimmed glasses are perched on her button nose. Like you, rather large front teeth jut out from plump lips.

 

“It is a box of Betty Crocker’s Deluxe Chocolate Whirl Cake, isn’t that obvious?” The blonde woman says, eyes brimming with amusement.

“Exactly! And the fact that you know about her tyrannical highness makes it even worse!”

“Her…tyrannical highness?” The black-haired woman raises an eyebrow at you.

“Yes! Although, she’s not much of a majesty or a highness anymore, because Feferi banished her but—“

“Wait what? Who exactly are you?”

“I could say the same to you.”

 

“Oh uh, I see the three of you have met.” Dave stands at the kitchen door, one hand on his hip and the other holding a cup of coffee.

He’s met with three blank stares. He shrugs and points the coffee-mug-holding-hand towards each of you in turn.

“Rose, Jade, this is my best friend, John. John, this is my cousin Rose, and her girlfriend Jade.”

“Nice to meet you…” You mumble, slightly embarrassed about earlier events. It is now quite obvious that these poor humans have no idea about the shitstorm coming.

“Likewise.” The blonde woman- _Rose-_ nods, her blonde hair bobbing along with her head.

“So John, what brings you to Dave’s house, apart from yelling about cake mixes?” Jade grins up at you, smile full of teeth. (You struggle not to take this as a threat. You assume this is a friendly smile, and not one that challenges a troll to a fight.)

“Oh, I have groceries for Dave.” You say nonchalantly, all the while staring at Jade’s teeth.

“Wow David, moving this fast already? When were you planning to introduce us?” Rose muses, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s not like that! He just buys me stuff and cooks and cleans for me!” Dave protests.

“Oh! A sugar daddy then.” Rose turns back to Jade’s hair, smirking as Dave blushes and splutters.

“N-No! What the fuck Rose?” He manages to stutter out, which is really quiet funny and adorable now that you think about it.

“What’s a sugar daddy?” You ask.

“So innocent! So pure!” Jade gasps, green eyes wide. “Dave! He’s so sweet! How did you meet?”

“I saved him from getting hit by a car. He decided to follow me around and repay the debt.”

“Aww how adorable!” Jade coos, which you find quite insulting. You are a fully grown eleven sweep old high-blood goddamnit! You are not adorable.

“Anyway Jade, you guys asked me why I was here, what about you? Why are you here?” You ask, attempting to change the topic.

“Jade wants to go to a Robotics Convention and dragged me along. We’re staying the night at Dave’s house.” Rose replies.

“Oh! Well that’s fine! I think I have enough groceries to make enough dinner.” You smile at everyone, hoisting the bag up in the air. “I’d um…better go do that…” You mutter, walking past them into the kitchen.

Cursing at how awkward that was, you set the grocery bags down and get to work.

You are a highblood, and this is quite demeaning, but it’s all worth it to learn more about human culture.

 

* * *

 

“SUCK MY FUCKING DICK YOU USELESS PIECE OF TRASH!”

“Fuck no Harley, you’re going down.”

 

Jade dragged you into the lounge room to play video games with everyone. You’ve played quite a few video games with Karkat and Sollux, so you know what to do. You have to admit, it’s not _quite_ what you expected, but it’s still really fun!

You mean, Rose is quietly winning the game, Jade is yelling in levels that rival Karkat and Dave is not-quite-yelling-but-swearing-a-lot.

They’re playing the human game of ‘Mario Kart’. You’re really good at the troll version, but not so much the human version. There never was a course called ‘Rainbow Road’ in troll Mario Kart—rainbows are considered to be rebel propaganda to unite the hemospectrum.

 

As you fall off the rippling rainbow for the fifth time, you give up.

There is no way you’re going to beat them—you haven’t even finished your first lap whilst Jade and Dave are in the second lap and Rose is nearing the finish line.

You watch in amusement as your friends battle it out for victory. Rose has already come first place, and Jade and Dave are battling it out for the grand title of tenth place. There is a lot of swearing, yelling and elbows involved. Rose leans around the two of them to stare at you curiously, which is quite creepy actually.

Embarrassed by Rose’s stare, you turn back to the game. Looking at the ‘Finished’ line of the text makes you realise even the game gave up on you.

 

“Suck it Strider, I kicked your butt!” Jade yells, throwing her controller down triumphantly.

“In your dreams Harley!”

“Well looks like they’ve bled into reality, because I won!”

“Tenth place dear. I 360 no-scoped your noob asses.” Rose finally speaks up about her victory, smug grin on black lips.

You blink in surprise, those words unexpected coming from that mouth. She winks at you, which you find very confusing.

“Oh! I’ll go get some popcorn for us all!” You have found out that humans like popcorn with their entertainment. Dave particularly enjoys his with a huge amount of butter, and cheese melted on top as well as some shittily ironic movie he got on Netflix.

You don’t hear any protests, so you wiggle your way out from between Dave and the couch. Placing your controller down on the coffee table, you head into the kitchen.

 

It’s rather small, with limited cupboard and furniture space. A flower pot filled with wilted flowers rests next to the sink. You squeeze your way towards the cupboard you know holds the microwave popcorn.

Digging through the various packages of instant noodles and fresh produce you forced in there, you attempt to feel your way around the cupboard. Chicken instant noodles, apple juice poppers, choc-chip cookies and jars of spaghetti sauce…finally you hear the crinkly noise of the microwave popcorn package.

You grab it out of the cupboard, heading over to the microwave.

 

Human technology wasn’t that hard to get your head around—it wasn’t that different from troll technology. Sure it was less advanced, but they had invented so much cool stuff!

Different types of food, electricity, animation, beds, fridges, gardens, fashion and all kinds of curious oddities!

You love learning about human things! Even though you often make a fool of yourself in front of Dave whilst doing so.

Like…the toilet incident.

It’s not your fault! You didn’t know it was used for _that._ You thought it was some kind of wash basin! Luckily, Dave caught you before you put in the soap and hand-towels. It was…embarrassing to say the least.

 

Out of all the human inventions, radio would probably be your favourite! The idea of transmitting songs and sounds through special waves and little boxes would have never even been considered on Alternia. Songs and music are forbidden on Alternia.

Only the highest of the highbloods can even gaze upon and play instruments—but the sea-dwellers can’t even play anything underwater. However, you have heard rumours that Empress Feferi has a whole room dedicated to them in her underwater palace.

You may be a high-blood—second highest in the land-dwellers—but even you can’t touch or look at an instrument. You’ve only seen an instrument once before—when you and Vriska were out pillaging some high-bloods villa. It was a small, chair-like object inlaid with ivory. White and black planks ran along the side with a dip in it. You dared to lean forward to touch one of the white planks—and a haunting note hung in the air. You were transfixed by that note until Vriska called you to ‘come see’. You reluctantly followed her, wishing all the while you could have taken that instrument.

Humans however, seem to love music. It’s in their movies, plays, video games, advertisements, phones and many other forms of media. You often hear it coming from Dave’s room—loud and pumping, often on repeat. You think it’s coming from a large rectangle he calls his ‘turntables’. You’re trying to get him to play for you, but to no avail.

 

While the microwave popcorn heats up in the microwave, you begin to cut cheese to melt in a separate bowl for Dave.

“Hello John.” A calm, somewhat melodic voice startles you. You jump in surprise, accidently dropping the knife in the process. It lands on your hand, before falling to the floor with a loud clatter.

A thin, blue line wells up where the knife struck you. Although your human flesh is quiet soft, your troll flesh must have protected your fingers from being chopped off.

Well shit.

 

“Oh um…hi Rose!” You turn around to greet her, hiding your bleeding hand behind your back.

“John, are you alright?” She frowns, eyes narrowed at the knife now lying on the floor.

Shit, the knife! It’s probably covered in your blood!

“Yep, yep, I’m fine.” You manage, awkwardly shuffling to hide the knife. You kick it under the gap between the drawers and the floor, wincing as it skitters loudly.

“You sure about that?” Rose raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow.

“Uh….yep! I sure am!” You wince at how awkward you’re being. And the fact that you accidently stabbed yourself with a knife.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not. Are you hurt?” Rose takes a step forward, and you back away as far as you can go. Which isn’t far, because you back right into the edge of the kitchen bench.

“Nope!” You say cheerfully, just as you bump your bleeding hand into the bench. You try to keep your face level, but it’s kind of hard when your hand is throbbing out of control. You _need_ to keep your blood away from Rose, or else everything will be ruined! Plus, all those alien movies Dave has that you watched always show scientific experiments. You know what scientists do to their patients—there is no way you want that to happen.

It must show in your face, because suddenly Rose is frowning, stepping closer to you. With nowhere else to go, you decide to distract her with small talk.

“So um…how have you been Rose?” You ask, hoping that she’ll buy it.

“Pretty good. This Robotics Convention Jade’s going to is apparently where all the top scientists and mechanics and technicians all over the world go to, to get inspiration and funding for their work. Quite exclusive actually. I’m glad that I’m going with her.” She answers, but you don’t think she buys it.

“I didn’t know humans could make robots yet.” Slips out. Dammit Johnen. Way to make her more suspicious.

“You’re talking like you aren’t human.” She narrows her eyes at you.

“Well, I am. Totally human. Flesh, bones, blood and all.”

“Then why is your blood bright blue?”

“Well you must be hallucinating.” Just as you say that (in the most squeaky, pathetic, uncool voice known to the universe) the microwave dings. You shriek in surprise, throwing your hands up to defend yourself from the sudden noise. Then you stop, because your bleeding hand is clearly in Rose’s vision.

 

“I can assure you, I’m not.” She says smugly (everything she does is smug).

Shit.

“I-I-I…please don’t tell Dave…” You draw your injured hand closer to yourself, watching as the blue blood trickles down your dark hands.

“As long as you explain everything to me.”

“I can’t explain _everything_ —most things are classified.” You shift awkwardly, under her scrutinizing gaze.

“I can understand that.” She stares at your blood, seemingly transfixed. This weirds you out to no end. But you take a deep breath and put on our scientist persona—you need to think rationally now that you’ve been cornered. If you don’t conduct this rationally, then everything will be jeopardised. Perhaps Rose would sell you out to some obscure government agency, where they’ll perform horrible experiments on you for the rest of your days.

 

“I’m what you’d call an alien. A troll to be more specific.”

“So you’re an ugly, idiotic creature that lives under a bridge?” Rose’s eyebrows were raised, and you could see slight amusement in her gaze.

“That’s what they think of us?” You can’t help it, you take out your notepad and start writing. Then you pause, realising you have company. "Oh sorry. That was just some…um…research…” You shove the notebook away, back to its pocket.

“Then I assume this is a research mission of some kind?” Rose asks, tilting her head to the side ever so slightly.

Were you really that transparent? Your hands make their way to the pendant around your neck, feeling the rough stone and swirls that adorn it. Is this thing really hiding you from the humans, or is it the thing that makes you obvious to them?

“Yes. My moirail and I are on an interplanetary peace mission, to learn more about this planets culture to form an alliance. Our Empress wishes to expand the empire…on friendly terms this time.” Great. Now you've mentioned Karkat. If you ever get caught, then that means the Sinister Government Agency will go looking for him too.

“I’m assuming you don’t actually look human.”

“That would be true.”

“Blue blood is one thing, but what are the others?”

“Well for one, I have horns, orange skin and I used to be a grub when I was a baby!”

Rose wrinkles up her nose a little at this, but that is all. She isn’t making moves to call the police or the military. She hasn’t fainted, nor is she fainted on the floor spasming and frothing at the mouth. She seems to have legitimate questions, so you might as well answer them.

“Haha yeah, it’s pretty gross by your standards, but pretty normal by ours.”

“So everyone on your planet has horns, grey skin, blue blood and used to be an insect at birth?”

“Actually, no. Not the blood thing I mean. Trolls have different blood colours than humans and even each other. There’s a thing called the Hemospectrum, that dictates all blood colour. It goes; burgundy, bronze, gold, lime, jade, teal, cobalt, indigo, purple, violet and fuchsia!”

“I’m assuming you’re cobalt?” Rose asks, but the look on your face quickly makes her change her mind. “…Or not?”

“Indigo.” You nod. “Sorry, just some bad experiences with a Cobalt Blood when I was younger.” You wave off any questions about Vriska she might have with your injured hand.

“So…how are you finding Earth?”

You pause a little at that. How _are_ you finding Earth? You’ve hardly seen anything outside of Dave’s shitty apartment. You can’t really have an opinion on Earth things quite yet.

“Well, the people here seem pretty nice! I mean, I’ve only met both you and Jade today, but you both seem to be pretty cool! I’ve known Dave the longest I guess, and he’s really nice. He may seem like a total asshole, but he’s really cool and funny and sweet! He rambles a lot—whenever angry, or sad, or happy, or confused—but I’ve learnt how to tell the difference. They’re quite charming and adorable once you get used to them!”

“Dave huh?” Rose interrupts, wiggling her eyebrows at you.

“What?”

“Never before have I heard my cousins rambles described as ‘charming’ and ‘adorable’

“I—that doesn’t mean anything!” You splutter, more concerned with this then the fact Rose knows you’re an alien. “A bro can appreciate the way his best bro rambles…talks…exists…” You mumble off.

“Riiight. So you have a crush on a human. Don’t you already have a moirail or something? Did I hear that correctly?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Well for one, human romance isn’t like troll romance. It has quadrants and it’s messy and complicated. Plus the hemospectrum complicates thing on a whole other level.”

“Wait, so trolls are polyamorous?”

“I believe that’s the human term yes.” You nod, trying to look thoughtful and wise.

“I’m guessing quadrants are a set of four kinds of romance?”

“Yes! First you have matesprits. It’s kind of like human relationships I guess? But I can’t really compare it. Not enough evidence.”

You hear her mutter ‘bet you want Dave to give you evidence’ under her breath but you decide to ignore her.

“Next, you have moirallegiance. Now this is one is formed out of mutual need and respect. Two trolls, or palemate, are soulmates in a more-platonic sort of sense. Moirails guard each others hearts and sooth each others rage. Then you have Kismesis—two trolls with a deep, deep hatred for each other. Usually involves violent acts of passion and the like. Finally, you have Auspistice—the mediator between two kismesises. They basically stop the kismesis from killing each other. I’m not doing a very good job at explaining this…Karkat would do a better job. He lives and _breathes_ quadrants.” You trail off.

“Is Karkat your moirail?” Rose asks.

“Yes! He’s pretty cool! He likes to pretend he’s angry and tough and a hardened threshecutioner, but he’s really a big softie! He likes to practise with his sickles every night before bed—and it’s adorable! He’s a lot better now, but when he was younger he used to—“ You cut off, realising you’re rambling about someone she’s never met.

“Sorry! I was rambling. Um…I’m going to have to ask you not to tell anyone about this.”

“Understandable. Not a soul will be told. My lips are sealed tighter than the stubbornest of pickle jars.”

 

Just as she says that, none other than Dave walks in. You quickly hide your injured hand behind your back, but you needn’t have worried. Dave is way too preoccupied with sulking and getting himself a apple juice popper.

“Your girlfriend is a right bitch, you know Lalonde?”

“Did she threaten your already fragile masculinity by beating you in Mario Kart again?” Rose says nonchalantly, a smug smirk on her lips.

“Not just once, I owned his ass three times and counting!” Jade appears in the doorway. You hide your injured hand even deeper between the cupboard and your back.

“Oh shut up Harley.” Dave rolls his eyes, but he looks visibly shaken by her victory.

You almost feel sorry for him.

Almost.

 

“Wow Dave, you truly are the superior gamer among us all.” (This is an inside joke between the two of you. Because you aren’t very good at human video games, Dave likes to joke he’s the best video gamer ever ((he’s not)) ).

“Shut it Egbutt.” He turns his attention to you.

“Make me Stridouche.” You poke your tongue out at him, which causes him to scoff in disgust.

“Disgusting. And in my own home too. How dare you poke your tongue out at me mister.”

“I do what I want.” You poke your tongue out at him again. He gasps in outrage.

“I am truly blasphemised. Just like a whore in church, you continue to disrespect the goddamn law. And that law is tongue-poking-out. Not hoeing about. I mean, you can hoe about all you want. Like you do have a boyfriend, so you can hoe around with him if you are totally into that. Or other people as well if you’re both cool with that. Like me. Shit I mean Lalonde—Lalonde is totally into that. Probably. She’s freaky like that.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Neither do I.”

“When do you?”

“When I’m talking about you bro.”

“Bro.”

“Boys, can you stop flirting for one minute? It’s very awkward for us lesbians.” Jade interrupts, hand on hips.

“What Harley, you jealous?” Dave says, thrusting his hips in her direction. She wrinkles up her nose in disgust.

 

You chuckle to yourself, eyes drawing away from the conversation at hand. They fall upon the packet of Betty Crocker Deluxe Chocolate Whirl Cake in the cupboard, a subtle warning of what’s to come. Because if _She_ has her grip this far on Earth, then the humans are not safe. Karkat and yourself aren’t safe, because you’re in orbit of Earth. Rose, Jade and Dave aren’t safe, because they freaking live here!

 _She_ will come for them, and kill them all. The Alternian Empire will expand—but it will not be under Empress Feferi.

The best you can do is warn her of the inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can beat Rainbow Road in first place without falling off once. I am simply the best there is at Mario Kart.  
> Also I fail at describing pianos help


	3. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Condescial shitstorm arrives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Props to anyone who can guess what book Rose gave John!

“So you’re saying the Condesce is back? That’s terribubble!” Feferi gasps. Her image looms over you, but in a somewhat…friendly…intimidating way.

 

You’re back in your ship, human disguise cast aside and formal clothes on. You’re calling the Empress, with very important matters to discuss. Namely Betty Crocker and the Condesce.

“Well don’t you sound fucking concerned.” Karkat mumbles under his breath. You elbow him—a subtle warning. She is the Empress—and you must pay your respects.

“Yes. I found that packet—“ You motion towards the packet of evil a few feet away from you and Karkat. “—in what humans call a supermarket. There were rows and rows of those monstrosities! And the humans know nothing of their true origin!”

Feferi looks away, fuchsia eyes deep in thought. “When I spared her life in the Arena of the Fuchsia-Bloods, I was warned that I had made a grave mistake. I didn’t listen, because I was young and stupid, with dreams of equality in my mind. I did not want to hurt anemoneone! Even her. So I banished her to the depths of space, far beyond the bounds of our empire. Turns out those old high-bloods were right about it being a grave mistake.”

The gaggle of high-bloods behind her begin muttering to themselves, whispers of ‘she was so young’ ‘she couldn’t have known’ and ‘if the old empress is back, that means bad news for us’ ripple around the council like ocean waves. Feferi waves at them to shush.

 

“I—thank you for bringing this to our attention. I think you should pull out of this mission. Peace and alliances are important, but the safety of my top scientist and threshecutioner are much more important to me.”

“No!” You shake your head in defiance. The high-blood council around her gasp and titter in shock. Feferi’s eyes widen, mouth dropped open in shock.

“Uh sorry…I just. There are people on that planet that I can’t abandon. I can’t just run with my tail between my legs because there is a possibility she’ll invade! I know some people down there who don’t deserve the oncoming apocalypse! I can’t speak for my moirail, but I am not abandoning my friends on Earth.”

“Gog fucking damn it.” Karkat mutters under his breath. A wave of guilt washes over you—you should have known he won’t leave you behind, even when his own life is in danger.

“Well…if it makes you feel better.” Feferi’s face crumples up with concern and worry. She seems conflicted between commanding you to flee to safety and respecting your wishes.

“It will.” You reply, bowing to her. She bows back.

“Be safe Johnen. Thank you.”

“I will my Empress, I promise.” You bow once again. The video call cuts off, a remorseful looking Feferi disappearing from view.

 

“What the fuck Egbert.” Karkat rounds on you, pointer finger aimed at your chest. “You’ve done some dumb shit in your life, but this is by far the dumbest. What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know! But what I do know is we can’t just leave them behind!” You reply, frowning back.

“Johnen, why are you risking everything for him? He wouldn’t do the same for you. He hasn’t done anything for you! All he’s done is mooch off your charity! Honestly, it’s pathetic.”

“You’re just saying that because you totally have a black crush on him.”

He glares at you in response to that. “How dare you. I’ll have you know, it’s a purely platonic kind of hate.”

“Suuuure thing Karkat.” You tease. He flushes a deep scarlet.

“We’re getting off subject here. Point is, why are we staying near a planet that could very well be invaded? We’ll be executed when we’re found!”

“What about them!? We at least know what’s coming—but they know nothing! We can save ourselves, but what about them? Can’t I at least save some of them?”

His face crumples up and he looks away. ”I—heh. You always think of others before yourself.”

“Well there are more of them than there are of me.”

“How can I deny that statement?” Karkat replies dryly, crossing his arms.

“You can’t!” You reply mock-angrily, a big grin on your face.

“I know I can’t. Go on then, back to Earth. Before I change my mind and turn this ship the fuck around.”

“Thanks Karkat!” You cheer, kissing him on the forehead. He grumbles happily, and lets you go.

You have friends to protect and an invader to look out for!

 

* * *

 

It’s been a month.

A month since you found about the Condesce threat. A month since Jade’s robotics convention. A month since you and Karkat had that fight about staying on Earth.

Nothing has happened. Yet.

 

It will, in time. The Condesce is out there, and she’s a very real threat. Unfortunately she’s made no move to conquer Earth, which has set you quite on edge.

You’ve been jumping at every little sound, every little movement. It doesn’t help that Dave has been acting strange lately. He’s been hiding in his room, muffled noises leaking from the gaps at most hours of the day. Whenever you knock on the door, the noise immediately stops, Dave’s flushed face appearing at the doorway.

Currently, you’re lying spread out on Dave’s couch, idly flicking through a book Rose lent you. She suggested that perhaps human literature will help with your study of human culture.

This particular series happens to be Rose’s favourite—tales of orphans, fires, kindly judges and dastardly villains with terrible acting skills—and that’s just the first book! You’re quite enjoying it actually.

 

Dave’s bedroom door creaks open, Dave’s head peeping out. You decide to ignore him in favour of reading your book.

“…John…” He hisses, eyes shifting side to side.

“Hmmm?” You reply, turning the page of your book.

“Come here.”

You look up from your book, raising an eyebrow at him. “But Dave. I’m reading.”

“Ugh no, put the piece of trash Rose gave you away and come with me.” Dave creeps out of his room, coming to a stop in front of the couch. He reaches down and plucks the book from your hands.

“Hey! This is really good!” You reach up to grab it back, but he holds the book well above your reach. “Give it back!” You jump up again, but you’re just too short to reach it.

“Only if you come into my room.”

“That sounds pretty weird dude. What are you planning to do to me there?” You wiggle your eyebrows at him suggestively. He blushes furiously, placing the book on the nearby coffee table and grabbing your hand.

“Just…come with me…ok?”

You make no comment as he leads you into his room. Once the two of you are inside, he closes the door behind him.

 

His room is the same as it was the last few times you’ve been inside it. A mess of clothes, wires and random objects are scattered around the floor. Various jars of dead things in formaldehyde are perched on his desk and on their dedicated shelves. The window is wide open, allowing you to see the street below.

The only thing different that you can see is that his turntables are all set up—seemingly ready for something.

But ready for what?

 

“Um…John?” Dave’s voice brings you back to the present.

“Yeah?” You turn to face him, eyes darting away from the various metal-band posters on the wall.

“I want to thank you…for everything you’ve done for me.”

“Don’t mention it.” You smile back at him.

“No! Don’t brush it off.” Dave steps forward, laying a hand on your shoulder. “You’ve been amazing okay? I mean, you paid off my rent for the next ten years, you cook delicious food every night and you expect nothing back! You’re a literal saint John.”

“Oh…thank you…” You mumble, feeling a blush rise to your cheeks. You struggle to keep it hidden.

“I know nothing I can do will compare to your generosity, but…I made you something.” He looks away, obviously a little flustered. He leads you to his bed, pushing you down a little. You decide to settle down on his bed, wrapping one of his blankets around you.

He heads over to his turntables, elegant fingers brushing against the vinyl records. Then, the music begins.

 

It’s fast paced and electronic, and certainly unlike anything you’ve ever heard before. The way he mixes the music together to create such a smooth melody is stunning! You watch the way he moves—swaying in tune to the music, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, pink lip poking out from pale lips. He’s obviously in his element, and it shows. You can’t help but stare in awe as he makes his melodic magic. You can hear singing in the mix—which you recognise as Dave.

But unfortunately…you have not much prior experience with music—so you have no idea how to describe it.

You enjoy it nonetheless, as Dave put time and effort into this—and he made it for you. You’re almost tearful when it ends.

 

He turns to you, face unreadable and stoic. A silence settles between the two of you. He stares down at you from his turntables and you stare at him from his bed.

“Did you like it?” He asks, finally breaking the silence.

“Yes! It was amazing! Thank you so much!” You grin, jumping up from the bed, Dave’s sheets still wrapped around you. You rush towards him, nearly tripping over the blanket and piles of junk in the process. Making sure that he doesn’t feel your invisible horns (yeah, they’re kind of a nuisance more than anything now), you gather him up in a big hug.

“I—I…you’re welcome.” You can hear the smile in his voice as he hugs you back. Something wet plops down on your shoulder. You ignore it—but then another one plops own, and another!

“Are you…crying?”

“No.” You pull away, to find his face is wet with tears.

“Dave? Are you alright?” You ask, concern pouring out of you like water from a wet sponge.

“I’m fine.” He replies, sniffing loudly.

“No you’re not! You’re crying! That generally means you’re not okay! Now tell me what’s wrong.”

“I-I’m just so happy!” He smiles down at you, and your heart melts. “Sorry…It’s just…I’ve never had anyone get that excited over my sick beats.”

“Oh Dave…” You sigh, taking one of his hands. “They were really sick, so unreal. I’m so flattered you made it for me!”

“Well, I am in your debt after all.”

“Nonsense.” You wave your free hand at him. “You saved my life after all.”

“I—oh god, what the hell is that!?” Dave breaks off, pointing a shaking finger towards the window.

What is he talking about? Why is he pointing a finger out the window with such a look of terror on his face?

You turn to see what Dave’s pointing at and oh gog the end times are coming.

 

Bright red ships are hovering in the sky above, bearing the insignia of the Condesce. What appears to be countless drones stream from the ships above. One lands down on the street below, cracking the road between its feet.

You can hear faint screams of fear and shock coming from the surrounding streets. You clutch Dave’s hand tight.

It is the end of the Earth.

 

The sound of Dave’s whimper draws your attention back to the present. You snap into action. You yank Dave out of his window and onto the small balcony outside it. Dave’s blanket—which is still wrapped around you—knocks over a few potted plants, but it doesn’t matter now.

You pull out your emergency communicator, drawing it to your mouth.

“Karkat! Beam us up!” You scream into it frantically.

Immediately, you feel the familiar sensation of teleportation. Soon, you’re back in the familiar confines of your ship. But there is no familiar hand in yours—Dave hasn’t been beamed up.

“Karkat! I said beam _us_ up not beam _me_ up!” You round on your moirail, frowning. He’s at the control panel, hands on various buttons at once. He scowls, but in a push of a few buttons, Dave materialises right next to you, looking bewildered and very confused.

“Wha…? John, what the fuck just happened!? Where are we? Why the fuck does that guy have horns?”

“Shut up Dave, not now.” You take his hand and yank him off the teleporter. He doesn’t shut up, mumbling incoherencies about your ship and Karkat and the Condesce’s fleet.

“Now this might hurt a little, but I have to do it.” You say, spreading out his palm. You grab Karkat’s hand, using Karkat’s claws to cut Dave’s skin. Dave yelps in surprise as bright red blood dribbles out of a crescent moon shaped mark. Karkat glares at you, obviously knowing what you’re trying to ignite.

“Sorry!” You apologise, letting go of Karkat and turning to the console. You press Dave’s bloody palm against the console. The flat, silvery surface absorbs it, blood disappearing into the disk. A silvery hologram of the earth pops up, with two glowing red dots on the surface. A little less than you expected, but that’s fine, it’s easier to work with now.

 

You touch the nearest red dot, activating the teleporter. It hums and whirrs as a large shape begins to materialise. But they are too large, and there is only one figure being materialised, not two.

As the figure becomes clearer, you can feel Dave tense up beside you.

The figure is tall and lean, with tan skin and pointy hair. Dark, triangular shades hide his eyes—and his surprise. A huge katana rests at his belt, shining threateningly in the ships light.

“…no!” Dave gasps, staggering backwards in sheer terror.

The man’s attention snaps towards Dave. His fingers slip to his sword, tightening their grip on its hilt.

“No…no…no…” Dave backs away as the man draws his sword. The man leers and steps forward, sending Dave back a few steps. The man begins to charge towards Dave, sword at the ready.

Quickly, you press the button on the console, sending the angry sword man back down to Earth.

 

“I’m sorry! Are you alright?” You turn over to Dave, who is shaking with terror. He doesn’t answer, so you grab his hand and squeeze it comfortingly.

You turn back to the hologram of Earth, this time pressing on the other red dot.

The teleporter whirrs up again, this time transporting two people. From what you can see, they’re clinging to each other in sheer panic and terror.

As their figures become clearer, you can see that this time you got it right.

Jade is shielding Rose protectively from…something…her dark hair blowing all over the place. In fact, all their clothes are blowing about from some unknown winds. As they materialise in, their voices get louder and louder—screaming in fear.

Then they stop, comically looking around in surprise.

“John!?” Rose gasps, but there is no time for explanations.

 

You give Rose and Jade a quick nod in greeting before dashing off to the ships control panel, dragging Dave behind you. You gently place Dave down on the ships floor, wrapping his blanket around him (yeah, it was still wrapped around you). He mumbles incoherencies but you ignore them—getting out of here is more important.

“Karkat! We have to get out of here!” You call over to your moirail, who is staring weirdly at Rose and Jade (who are staring beck equally as confused).

“You think I don’t know that Johnen!?” Karkat screeches at you, breaking the staring contest he had going with Rose and Jade. He gestures at them to sit down next to Dave before dashing off to his side of the console.

“Well I’m just making sure!” You yell back, flipping a lever. This pulls a view-port down, allowing you to see the surrounding ships.

“Oh why thank you for pointing out the obvious dear-moirail-of-mine.” Karkat retorts, yanking one of the various pulleys that hang from his side of the control panel. It doesn’t do anything, but it helps him relieve stress.

“Also obvious—we’ve attracted the attention of three ships from the Condesce’s Armada!” You shout over your shoulder to Karkat, whilst leaping up to yank down the steering wheel.

“Well that’s just fan-fucking-tastic isn’t it!” Karkat shrieks, glaring out the window. Outside, through the view-port, you see the huge ships chasing after your own tiny science vessel.

“Wait what!? You know who these people are!? John what the fuck?” Dave yells, seemingly broken out of his stunned state.

“Shush Dave! We need to concentrate!” You yell, steering the ship so it dodges a spray of gunfire.

“No! I want to know what’s going on! I was dragged aboard a strange ship, with an alien and all these gizmos and a teleporter…There was a monster, and it literally landed right in our street! I saw the pavement crack beneath its feet! I need to know what the fuck is going on here! And you’re flying this no sweat! Are you even human? Are you with those guys? What the fuck is going on!?” He staggers upwards, blanket sliding off his tense form. You give him a quick glance over.

“I’ll answer that in due time, I promise. I know you…might not trust me anymore, but please, try to. I know this must be so hard and confusing and _stressful_ for you right now, but right now we need to get out of here. So sit down, shut up and let us concentrate on getting away!” Dave blinks in surprise, red eyes wide with shock. You immediately feel guilty, but you’ll make it up to him later. Rose gently tugs Dave back down to the place where they were previously huddling.

“Hold on!” You yell, swerving the ship to avoid more gunfire.

Everyone screams. Rose, Jade and Dave go sliding down the ship floor, yelling all the way. Karkat nearly goes flying too—but hangs onto the control deck.

“Karkat! Put pedal to the medal!”

“I’m trying asshole!” Karkat yells, righting himself and flipping a lever.

You feel the burst of speed immediately, and you feel great satisfaction in seeing the Condesce’s ships get smaller and smaller in the viewport. But they’re still coming. In fact, they’ve even speeding up.

“They’re still coming after us!”

“I can see that Johnen! I have working eyes!”

“We have to lose them!”

“Oh wow, thanks for that Johnen—I never would have figured that out otherwise!”

“Karkat, can you stop being a difficult, stubborn piece of shit for like, five seconds please?”

“I don’t know, can you?” He hisses back, spittle flying from his mouth.

“How about you help me fly this thing?” You reply, wiping his gross spit off your face.

 

“Boys, please.” Rose interrupts, standing between the two of you and staring out your ships windshield. “Look up ahead—we could lose them in there. This ship is small and nimble—whereas their ships are huge and clunky.” She points to an asteroid belt swiftly approaching your ship.

“The Milky Way…” Jade gasps in amazement.

“Great idea! Thanks Rose! Karkat—“

“—yeah yeah, I know. Pedal to the metal.” Karkat rolls his eyes, but flips the switch anyway.

You grip the steering wheel tightly, dark knuckles turning white. Rose and Jade start making awed noises at all the asteroids, whilst Dave holds his stomach and looks kind of sick.

“Dave! Don’t you dare vomit on my ship!” You yell, turning the ship so it narrowly dodges a rather large asteroid.

“What!? This is _your_ ship!?” Dave replies, sliding down the floor a little.

“Obviously! Now suck that puke in, or else you clean it up!” You swerve the ship to dodge yet another asteroid

“Oh wow, what a threat!”

“Shut your trap you fucking asshole! Let us concentrate on getting out of here!” Karkat interrupts, turning his mighty glare onto Dave.

“What are you gonna do? Make me clean up my own puke?”

“No, I’ll do much worse than that.”

“Ohhh I’m so scared.”

 

You roll your eyes and focus instead on steering the ship. You seem to be losing the Condesce’s ships, but you have to be completely sure. It doesn’t help that Rose and Jade are backseat driving whilst Karkat and Dave are having a heated argument.

It hasn’t even been five minutes, and already your ship is in chaos!

A loud crash interrupts everyone, sending your ship spinning out of control. You scream loudly, struggling to right your ship. Rose and Jade go tumbling down the ship, landing on top of Dave and Karkat. You quickly press a small yellow button, which attaches your feet to the floor with leather straps.

“My ship!” You shriek in anger, glaring at the viewport. You see parts of your ship flying off into space, on fire. But fortunately, you can see your ships drones rushing out to repair the damage. “How dare they! Karkat! Get up and assess the damage!”

“Oh I’d love too, but I have several assholes on top of me!” Comes the muffled reply.

“Well move them! My ship needs tending to!”

“Let the drones handle it!”

“They are handling it, but I need you to handle it too!”

“Ugggh, if you hadn’t paused to pick these humans up, we wouldn’t be in this situation! We would have escaped months ago, and our ship wouldn’t be completely fucked up!”

“Hey! It’s not their fault! I couldn’t just leave them behind! You _know_ what she would have done to them.”

Karkat doesn’t reply, just shoves Rose and Jade off him. He stalks off, probably to help the drones repair your ship. Once again, you feel a little bad, but you can have a feelings jam about it later.

 

Suddenly, strangely, the ship that shot at you pulls away, to join the rest of its fleet. You continue to fly away, but you’re still perplexed at this. Perhaps all the asteroids deterred them? It would make sense, seeing as you’re out of firing range now. Besides, they can’t follow you into the asteroid belt.

Soon, the red ships are gone in your viewport. You’ve successfully escaped their ships! But…not the confrontation that will no doubt follow.

You feel a hand on your shoulder, warm, steady and shaking with fear and anger.

“Just exactly who or what are you?” Dave says, fingers clenching on your shoulder.

Slowly, regretfully, you slide his fingers off your shoulder and turn around. Your fingers rise to the amulet hanging around your neck. You begin to lift it, being mindful of your horns. Slowly, slowly, you take it off your neck and discard it. It falls to the floor with barely a sound at all.

Gasps of shock and amazement greet you, and you know what they’re gawking at. Long, crazy horns, wild black hair (that’s not any different actually), grey skin covered in blue freckles, wickedly pointed teeth and other various things that humans would find odd.

Rose and Jade don’t look too surprised, but Dave…he…he…

He backs away from you, eyes wide with fear and mistrust. You try to reach out but he flinches away. You draw your hand back, disheartened.

“I-I…can explain.” You whisper, clutching your hands to your chest.

And boy do you have a lot of explaining you have to do.


	4. Confessions, Arguements and Forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, an update on this old thing? After I most likely said I wouldn't? How fucking neat.
> 
> So yeah, I updated. Mind you, probably won't happen for a long time, if ever. I'm in year 11, soon to be year 12, and I've gotta do my HSC. Plus I have a job now, so I'm pretty busy with that and homework. See this as my celebration of #johndaveweek, bc I'm probably never going to post the art I've done for it.
> 
> So hope you like this! It's a little short, only around 9 pages to my average 13/14, but I wrote half this in a day and I'm a little sick of this chapter tbh.

“I—I…can explain.” You stutter out once again.

“You’d fucking better.” Dave scowls, face an unreadable mask.

“David! John saved our lives! He’s been your best friend for months now—let him speak before being so negative!” Rose elbows him in the ribs.

“Yeah Dave! Stop being such a poop head!” Jade agrees with her girlfriend, elbowing Dave in the ribs, on the other side from her girlfriend. Dave just grumbles, rubbing his sides.

“I’m an alien.” You say, defeated.

“Obviously, but why?” Dave narrows his eyes at you.

“Well, eleven sweeps ago, my ‘parents’ gave their genetic matter to the drones. That genetic matter was then fed to the Mother Grub and mixed with all the other genetic matter of the other kismesis and matesprit pairings. Then I was—“

“Ok, ok, I get it. Don’t want to hear your entire life story. I meant what were you doing on Earth.” Dave interrupts.

“Oh. Well I’m a scientist. My moirail and I travelled to Earth to learn more about its inhabitants and culture!”

“You were studying us!? All that time, I thought you liked me, but in reality you were just using me!”

“What! No, I…I…” You shift your gaze from side to side. “Ok…maybe I was a bit…but I like you! You’re my best friend beside Karkat!”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Dave’s facial expression darkens. “You used me John. Like I was a fucking sex toy. Pick me up, use me only when it pleasures you, and then hide me in a shoebox under your bed so your parents don’t find out.”

“I-I never…!” Tears spring to your eyes, much to your utter disgust. “Dave _please._ I love you.”

“Right. Sure you do.” He narrows his eyes, and it’s only then that you realise he lost his shades in the hub-bub from earlier.

 

“I’d never use you Dave! Please believe me. You’re my best friend, and I owe you my life!” You try again, but he isn’t having it.

“I should have let you get hit by that car.” His voice is firm and quiet, hitting you like a ton of bricks.

 

You start crying again. You can’t help it. Big, fat, blue tears roll down your cheeks as you sob and shake. You spin on your heels, facing your ships console. You don’t want them to see you cry.

You can’t speak, but you can hear Rose and Jade’s angry whispering, and Dave’s even angrier yelling. You’ve never seen him like this before.

“Alright fucker, I helped the drones with the busted up—hold on a minute. Johnen, are you crying!?” Karkat’s voice reaches your pointed ears.

“No.” You sob, very obviously crying.

You hear furious footsteps thundering before you. You flinch, expecting him to yell at you for crying, but he never does. Instead, he wraps his arms around you, pressing his lips against your hair.

“Johnen…” He murmurs, rubbing soothing circles into your back. “What did he say?”

Are you really that transparent? Although it must be pretty obvious, even though Dave has stopped yelling and is currently glaring holes into your back.

“Nothing.”

“Oh bulllshit! Your eyes are leaking and you’re shaking and you look sick!”

“It’s nothing Karkat, I’m fine.” You say, voice barely above a whisper.

“Johnen, _please._ ” He places his hands on either side of your face and gently forces you to face him. He wipes away some of your tears with his thumb. “Don’t cry. I hate it when you cry.”

“I’m sorry…” You hiccup, desperate to stop the flow of tears.

“Don’t be…Now, what did he say?”

“N-Nothing…” You lie through your teeth. Karkat rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to softly interrogate you further, but a calm, angry voice interrupts you.

“Dave said that he never should’ve rescued John from that car on the first day they met.” Rose says, and Karkat visibly recoils.

 

“He what!?” Karkat all but shrieks.

He lets go of you and lunges towards Dave, fist raised. You can do nothing to stop it as Karkat’s fist collides with Dave’s nose with a sickening crack.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!?” Karkat yells, kicking Dave to the ground. Jade and Rose back away slowly, doing nothing to stop it.

“What the fuck is wrong with _me_? What the fuck is wrong with _you_? All grey skin, and orange horns. It’s fucking weird.” Dave spits out, wiping blood from his nose. “A-and you’re telling me, my best friend is one of those… _things_?”

~~At least he’s still calling you his best friend.~~

Karkat growls low in his throat and grabs Dave’s shirt lapel, pressing their noses together. “How fucking _dare_ you. Apologise. Now.”

“If anything, _you_ should be apologising for getting up in my personal space. Going in like to kiss me or something, amiright?” Dave looks at you dead on, mouth lifted into a smirk. Nervously, you turn away, refusing to meet his gaze. If he doesn’t like you like this, then there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re pretty sure he hates you now—that’s probably why’s he so desperately eyeing the amulet clutched in your palm.

“No, fuck you. You don’t get to decide when or when not to be friendly to my moirail. You don’t get to treat him shit one second and nicely the next just because you’re scared of me!”

“Scared of you? Who said that? You’re no more scary that a fluffy kitte—“

“You want to repeat that?” Karkat snarls, whipping out his sickles and pressing them to Dave’s throat. A trickle of bright red blood runs down his throat. You flinch, fixated on the trail of blood. You know he hurt you, but you don’t want to see him get hurt.

Dave says nothing, quite wisely too. You can tell Karkat is working himself up into a rage, which could be quite disastrous for everyone on board your ship. As his moirail, you need to calm him down.

 

You step forward, placing a hand on his shoulder. He growls a little, but doesn’t make any move to brush you off.

“Yeah yeah, I know. Just…give me a second, okay?” He murmurs. A little reluctantly, you step back, but keep your hand on Karkat’s shoulder.

“My moirail is one of the best, most pure-hearted trolls I know. He has done nothing but help you these past few months, and you have treated him like shit. He gave up a lot for you—even parting with some of his gold hoard! Highbloods _never_ do that. Ever.” Karkat jabs his finger at Dave’s throat. “He’s flushed for you, and you’re taking advantage of that!”

You blush, furiously. “Alright Karkat, that’s enough. I don’t want blood on my ship.”

He shuts up, but doesn’t let go of Dave’s shoulder. Gently, you pull him away, wrapping your arms around him and rubbing his back in soothing circles. With little-to-no resistance, Karkat slips into a calmer state, safe from revealing any more embarrassing secrets.

 

Putting your moirail down on a nearby comfortable chair, you turn your attentions to the rather shocked looking humans in front of you. It pains you to see a river of blood running from Dave’s nose. His eyes seem distant and unfocused, like he’s not really there.

“Anyway, like I was saying.” You clap your hands together, startling Dave out of his trance. “I’m what you’d call an alien. A troll to be specific. The Empress sent me and my moirail on a peace mission, to gather information and to dictate whether or not we should form an alliance. I was to go down to the planet below to make observations, while Karkat would stay on my ship, ready to beam me up in case anything goes wrong.”

Rose nods her encouragement, and Jade hums in acknowledgement. You don’t really need their encouragement, but it’s nice.

“I met Dave, and he saved my life. I was indebted to him. In turn, I did my best to help him in any way I could. He taught me so many things about human culture! But while there I discovered…this.” You place down the Betty Crocker packet mix.

“That’s the same packet from the day we met!” Jade exclaims, green eyes wide. “Remember? You just burst into Dave’s apartment screaming about the end times. Which…makes a lot more sense now.”

“Yes! Who you humans call Betty Crocker is what we trolls call the Imperious Condensation. She was the previous empress, and a cruel one at that. Feferi, our current empress, defeated the Condesce in the Arena of the Fuchsia-Bloods and took over as empress. As per tradition, she was supposed to kill the Condesce. But…she couldn’t do it. So she banished the Condesce into space, hoping to never see her again. But...now she’s back, and we’re all fucked.” You finish, quite delicately you may add.

“What’s going to happen to Earth?” Jade asks, eyes wide with fear and worry. “If this Condesce lady has taken over Earth, what’s going to happen to it?”

“Well…bad things. She already had her clawed grip on the Earth, but now she and her armada have completely taken over it.” You look down at your feet, trying to appear sympathetic. “I’m afraid that you can’t go back.”

The three humans in front of you open their mouths in protest, but you hold up a finger to silence them. “That’s why we’re taking you back to Alternia, to see the Empress. She’ll know what to do.”

“Johnen, are you crazy?” Karkat shrieks, jumping up and waving his arms in your face. “You can’t take them to see the Empress! They’ll be killed!”

“Karkat, it’ll be fine!” You give him a wobbly smile, eyes sore from crying. “I mean, if we can use the amulets to change their appearances it should be fine! Besides, Empress Feferi would be sure to allow them to stay. I mean, times are different now and all. Trust me, okay?”

Karkat just purses his lips, and folds his arms into his chest. “And what if they’re discovered? They’ll be torn to shreds!”

“Just trust me Karkat!” Karkat just raises his eyebrows and shakes his head slightly as you turn to address the three humans in the room.

 

“So it’s gonna be a while getting to Alternia, around…one earth week I think?” You move your hands in a so-so motion. “So um, in the meantime, I’ve organised some rooms in the ship for you to stay in.”

“I assume you pulled said rooms out of thin air?” Rose quirks up a perfectly sculpted eyebrow.

“No!” You blush. “I always have extra sleeping quarters prepared on my ship! And when the Condesces’ invasion was drawing near, I had to be extra careful!”

Rose shrugs. “Makes sense.”

“Good, Karkat’ll show you to your rooms. I’ll focus on setting up the ships course.” You grin at them as Karkat leads them down the ships corridor and towards the sleeping quarters.

But once their retreating backs (particularly Dave’s) are out of sight, you sink down onto the floor, back to the ships console. You put your head on your hands and try to hold your sobs back. You’ve saved your friends…but at what cost?

 

* * *

 

“Johnen! Stop doing that you fucking asshole!” Karkat swats your hands away from his hair, glowering at you, sopor slime dripping from his hair.

You just poke your tongue out at him, sopor slime coating your left hand, which is curled up in Karkats hair.

 

It’s been a while since you’ve snuggled with your moirail properly. The two of you are curled up in your recuperacoon together, which you haven’t done in a while. Karkat insisted the two of you do the because of the whole Dave fiasco. He’s trying to get you to talk about your feelings. As usual, you’re ignoring him and smearing sopor slime in his hair.

 

Karkat sighs exasperatedly. “Are we gonna talk about Dave or are you going to continue smearing slime in my hair?”

“I’m gonna keep smearing slime in your hair.” You run your hands through his hair to emphasise your point.

“I was employing some of that human sarcasm. Leave my hair alone.” Karkat once again swats your hand away, but to no avail.

“I don’t know Karkat, I think it’s an improvement!” You grin and laugh as you dodge the punch he sends your way.

“I’m serious Johnen! Stop it!”

“Alright alright…” You withdraw your hand, a little regretfully.

“We need to talk about Dave—hey! No, don’t look away from me! This is serious!” Karkat leans forward and cups your cheek in his hands. “He fucking hurt you Johnen. You never cry, but that bitch made you sob all your eye juices out!”

“Eye juices? That’s what we’re calling them now?”

“Don’t change the subject!”

 

You look away the best you can in your current position, staring not at Karkat but at the wall behind him.

“I’m really digging that shade of grey right now.”

“Johnen.”

“It’s really nice. Really makes the room look nicer, right?”

“Johnen please.”

“It really makes you think about life and death and the universe and stuff.”

“How? It’s a fucking wall.”

“Exactly, and sometimes, being hurt makes you appreciate the little things in life. Like, this wall is keeping us alive? Without it, the ship would be falling apart and…and…” You wipe under your eyes, quickly before Karkat sees.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) Karkat sees your tears.

“Johnen…” He whispers, pity in his eyes.

“I know, it’s pathetic, isn’t it?” You give him a weak and wobbly smile. “I mean really, he didn’t really do anything for me, yet I did everything for him. He said such horrible, shitty things, and now I’m all hung up on it like I didn’t expect it to happen!”

“Johnen…you’re not pathetic…” Karkat murmurs, pulling you closer to him. “And it’s not your fault. You were best friends! You were flushed for him, of course you’re hung up on him!”

“My feelings for him…aren’t exactly past tense.” You mumble against his chest. He just pats your back in response, making a soothing purring noises that vibrate against your ear.

“Oh Johnen…” He sighs. “You’re far too soft sometimes. But it’ll be okay. If he tries any shit, I’ll fucking take his ass. And don’t you dare try and say otherwise, because I will! You’re my moirail, and if he breaks your heart, I’ll break his face.”

“Alright Karkat, whatever you say.” You smile, closing your eyes. Slowly, you find yourself drifting off to sleep to the sound of Karkat’s soothing voice and the purring vibrations coming from his chest.

 

* * *

 

It’s been four days.

It’s been four days on your voyage to Alternia and Dave hasn’t spoken to you once since you took off. You haven’t even seen him since you took off.

 

You’re currently at the ships console, fiddling with the controls and trying to look like you’re busy. Of course, no ones in the room, so you really don’t have to try and fool anyone. But, you’ll try anyway, because it takes your mind off Dave.

Dave…

You miss him.

You miss how it used to be.

You miss how the two of you used to be together. Of how he was your best friend, and you would joke and laugh and play video games together. You miss how he smiled so easily when you were around. You miss your weird conversations. You miss him treating you like a friend.

 

“…John? I mean, uh, Johnen?” A familiar voice calls out cautiously from behind you, making you freeze up.

“Dave!” You whirl around, surprise evident in your voice.

Dave looks awkward standing there, amidst the chaos of your ship. Despite having guests, you and Karkat haven’t exactly tidied up the place. You feel somewhat embarrassed about the state of the place, even though you know Dave’s apartment is in a worse state. Well…was…

“What are you doing here?” You ask, before going over your words. “I mean…in this part of the ship. Where I am. I haven’t seen you in four days. Don’t you hate me now?”

“I…I don’t hate you.” He looks forlorn, red eyes downcast.

“Are you sure about that? I mean…you said some pretty shitty stuff to me four days ago…”

Dave winces at your words, as if your words actually hurt him. “I’m sorry for what I said. It was super shitty of me, I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? You saved my life. And you’re my best friend. Like, in the bro code, you don’t just treat a bro like that because it turns out he has grey skin and orange horns and—“

“Dave, I accept your apology. You’re still my best friend. But…that hurt, you know? Those things you said…that was some fucked up shit.” You cut him off before his ramble can get too long.

Dave looks away, eyes a little damp. “All I can do is apologise. I know what I said was wrong, and I’m so fucking sorry…”

“I know you are. I think you were just scared and confused and lashed out at the first person you saw…which happened to be me.” You shoot him a wary smile.

“Don’t make excuses John, what I did was shitty and you know it.” Dave frowns, turning back to look at you. “Fuck man, I get what your angry friend was talking about. You are way too nice for your own good. Even to someone like me, even after what I did, you’ll forgive me.”

“Yeah I know, I’m pretty great.” You grin, before turning serious. “But in all seriousness, I want to be your friend. I mean, I guess what you said was right, about me using you to observe the humans. So this time, it’s completely honest, I mean, it was before but this time, I’m not observing you for science or anything!”

“John, we already are friends. I mean, I think my entire species is dead now? So I think I need all the friends I can get.” Dave grins, throwing his hands in the air in a ‘I dunno’ motion.

“That’s um…optimistic of you?” You grin a little. “But humans aren’t an endangered species…yet. The Condesce wouldn’t kill the planet. That’s not her style. The humans are safe…for now. They're in danger-but they're not dead. And you’re definitely safe.”

 

Dave smiles sadly and moves over to stand next to you. He bumps your shoulder with his and looks out the windshield, at the black, expansive nothingness your little ship is currently hurtling through.

“That’s good. Like, now I’m not an endangered species? That’s pretty relieving.” Dave smiles wryly. “Man, never thought I’d be alive to see the extinction of the human race.”

“And you won’t.” You say firmly. “Once we get to Alternia, I promise we’ll organise a fleet to take back Earth and take down the Condesce. Once and for all that bitch is going down.”

“Haha yeah that sounds pretty sweet.” Dave shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe I’m saying this…but I’m kind of glad the Earth got taken over by a tyrannical alien. I mean, I’m in space now. I don’t have a shitty apartment in a shitty neighbourhood. My only friends aren’t on the other side of the country and I just…I’m glad I met you.”

“Oh…Well I’m glad I met you too!” You grin at him, before turning back to look at the void outside your windshield.

 

Somehow, this peaceful science mission turned into an alien invasion, and now billions of lives are depending on you and your little band of friends to get an army to save them. It’s not going to be easy, taking down the Condesce, but you’ll do your best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hit me up on tumblr @lord_of_cats
> 
> also dave acted like that partly bc johns pretty much his only friend and he felt kinda betrayed by the revelation, plus he just saw bro (who actually fucking abused him in canon and in this stop denying it people you don't fucking fight 13 (and younger) year olds with swords) which got him Shook.


End file.
